Hella random, yo

A few random, pointless, utterly useless thoughts I've jotted down in my dingy notebook over the last two years of blogging inactivity. What can I say -- I've missed you, my invisible, anonymous, nonexistent readers:

The holy trinity of backhands – Pete Sampras, Superfly, and the word “actually”: You got the job done! You actually got the job done! Wow, you look nice today. Wow, you actually look nice today.

They should make a version of the movie “Sideways” where the two friends drink whiskey instead of wine and call it “Facedown.”

A memoir is just a douchey way of saying diary. It’s also poor marketing. I wouldn’t read Churchill’s memoirs, but if the cover said “Churchill’s Diary” (in glitter and with the i’s dotted with a heart), maybe I would.

An excerpt from Snoop Doggs’ memoirs: “6:15 in the morn. Freaks still gettin’ it on in my living room. Thought they was leavin’ 15 minutes ago.”

Adulthood is when you realize nobody wants to read your stupid poems, and when you begin to think people want to hear your stupid poker and fantasy baseball stories. I'm somewhere in between.

You ever wonder why the word "fatherfucker" never caught on?

In some ways I wish coffee were an illegal drug. I'd have some incredible adventure stories to share, and this tattoo of a French Press on my right biceps would suddenly seem bad ass.

Shouldn't a fireman be called a waterman? They put out fires. Let's start calling the police "murdermen" or doctors "diseasemen" then.

There's a thin line between love and hate. Uh, yeah, it's called "like."

White underwear makes about as much sense as one-ply toilet paper.

Phew. I got whacked really hard in the head today, but it’s all good – it only damaged the 90 percent of my brain that I don't use anyway.

Jay-Z feels bad for me because I'm having girl problems, but you wanna know who I feel bad for? Jay-Z. Because he has 99 problems. Go see a shrink, you trainwreck.

Adulthood is when your dreams finally seem attainable. I used to dream that I could fly. Last night I dreamed I waited in line for coffee. Dreams do come true.

Say what you will about the Industrial Revolution . . . . .

I like that only pretentious people use the word "pretentious." Yes, your vocabulary is mighty impressive.

If wearing sunglasses indoors is douchey, what about wearing reading glasses when you're not reading?

Uggs -- Ed Hardy for girls.

I feel a strange connection to people who are antisocial, but for some reason we never get along.