I once explained to my friend Mike that male horses have the greatest gigs ever. They work for three, maybe four years as racehorses, then spend the rest of their lives, on a near daily basis, having sex with the finest, most well-bred female horses in the world.

In human terms, I explained to Mike, that’d be like a man spending the rest of his life, on a near daily basis, having sex with Jessica Alba, Angelina Jolie, Brooke Burke, Eva Longoria, and a slew of other beautiful women who top those Hot 100 lists – and being honored for it with year-end awards.

No it wouldn’t, he said. Male horses have to do it with the most athletic females, not the most beautiful females. So it’d be like being forced to have sex with Chyna, Rebecca Lobo, and Jackie Joyner Kersee.

Wind.

Tumbleweed.

Light bulb.

. …. Oh yeah, I said. You’re right. So I guess I’m glad I’m human, because that way I can try but fail to get any action to begin with.

He rubbed his nose with the side of his index finger and sniffed. Then he shrugged and asked me to pass the hot sauce.