Gifts I received for Christmas

A Bluetooth wireless headset
A dark-blue dress shirt
A bottle of cologne
A wine and cheese gift basket
Nelly playing cards

I came back from work today and my roommate had this strange grin on her face, the kind of grin people wear when they're trying to hold back a laugh because they don't have that kind of relationship with the person they want to laugh at. "Oh, um, Daniel. Um, a package came for you." She pointed at a package on the dining table, then cupped her hand by her mouth and slowly turned her head away from me.

Alright, I thought. You're a weirdo.

I walked over to the table to get the package, and suddenly I got what my roommate had found so amusing. Where the return address was written, it read, "Ashlee Simpson Fan Club." Where my address was written, it read, " 'One Night Stand' Dan Kim." It was the Christmas gift El had mailed to me.

Doooooooood.

My roommate walked back into the room. Same grin. "Um, whatcha got there?"

I had to think for a second whether I should show her. "Huh? Oh, it's a, uhh. . . . Nelly playing cards."

She nodded as if she'd heard about them before. "Ohhhh. Cards." She turned her head the other way again and went back into her room, laughing till her belly jiggled, I'm sure.

My roommate's gotta be on to me by now. Either I'm a raging loser or a perve, or better yet, both.

Last year, Tony got me an Olsen twins calendar for Christmas and somehow convinced me that it'd be messed up if I didn't hang it on my bedroom wall. After all, he'd put so much time and thought into finding a gift that, if seen, would make others think I'm a pedophile. ("Dude, you're messed up, Dan. Seriously.") I figured I'd be alright as long as I kept my door shut at all times and kept any and all people out of my room. A successful plan for a while, indeed, but of course, one day my roommate had to come into my room -- can't remember why -- and of course, the calendar was up and she saw it, scotch-taped on my wall right next to the poster of The Rock that El had mailed to me as a gift.

I just remember hoping the Olsen twins had turned 18 that day. Not that it would've made a difference, but that's the kind of thought that pops into a grown man's head when he's caught with an Olsen twins calendar on his wall.

I guess this time around, at least Ashlee Simpson is, like, 20.

I think.