RANDOM THOUGHTS ON NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND

--I might've told some of you guys this before, but Andre Iguodala reminds me of Baby from the Cash Money Millionaires. Do you see it? You do, right? I have a lot more stupid examples of quasi-celebrity/athlete look-alikes if you're interested. Like, Ike Diogu of the Golden State Warriors looks like Ness from Da Band. And Jerome Moiso of the Cleveland Cavaliers looks like that kid from Cop and a Half.

Anyways. . . .

--Wow.

On the 18th of February. . . . . two-thousand and six. . . . . in the city of Houston, Texas. . . . . magic happened.

An artist was born that would rival the legendary Marvin Gaye and the incomparable Whitney Houston in the pantheon of great national anthem performers in the history of sport.

Introducing the next great music artist. . . . . .

Walter McCarty.

(Pause to let it sink in.)

WHAT???!!!!!

Walter McCarty? Walter McCarty? Yes, Walter McCarty sang the national anthem tonight. Walter McCarty. Apparently Steven Seagal wasn't available. One of the most random, completely laughable choices ever.

I loved it.

I was about to text message El to tell him Walter McCarty was singing the national anthem, but he called first and corrected me, saying a Walter McCarty/national anthem sighting was special enough to warrant more than just a short text message. It was worthy of a phone call.

And you know what? He's right.

By the way, here's a short list of things that are worthy of phone calls:
1. Kevin Willis highlights, where he leaps to get a rebound but fails because his arms are too short.
2. Obscure Jean-Claude Van Damme movies on USA Network. I wasn't aware of this until last week, but he made a movie called "Replicant" a few years ago. It's out on DVD now, and features commentary with Van Damme. That's right -- the possibilities are limitless.
3. The twists in "24." Of course, some of my friends in the West Coast have enforced a 4-hour restraining order on me on Mondays from 6 pm to 10 pm Pacific. I don't understand this. I think spoilers are overrated.
4. Any of those awful Mariah Carey or Beyonce songs coming on the radio these days, like "Shake It Off" or "Check On It." When did the awkward, herky-jerky, "Bone Thugs and Harmony" phrasing become en vogue in music again? And with women who can actually sing and have great voices. Ugh. It's depressing. El calls it "R&B meets oompa-loompa."

--The night's first event is the Shooting Stars competition, basically an "around the world" shooting contest that features four teams comprising a current NBA star, a WNBA star, and an NBA legend, which in this case is a media/PR term that actually means "retired NBA player."

Nexxxxxxxt.

About five minutes have elapsed and the contest is already over. What a horrendous waste of time. I wasn't entertained in the least bit, which is usually how it goes with the contest that leads off All-Star Saturday. Has anyone cared about the first contest the last 5-6 years? The 2-Ball competition sucked, the Skills Challenge sucked, and now this Shooting Stars thing sucks. If you ask me, they should've just had Walter McCarty sing another song.

The only thing I'll remember about this shooting contest was the sight of Magic Johnson in his size XXXXXL uniform, which prompted me to blurt out, "Damn, who's that land monster?" I think Magic needs to rediscover the definition of "dignity." He's a part of the NBA's Rushmore, and he's wasting his time in a contest that is so irrelevant that it includes not one, but four WNBA players. He should be ashamed of himself.

(Somewhere, halfway around the world, Nirm just went, "Snifffffffffffffffff." Don't worry, Nirm. I don't really believe that. I'm just breaking your balls because I know how much you hate how Bill Simmons believes this.)

--You ever wonder why the 3-point contest always has to include that one player who isn't even that good at shooting 3's? Apparently you can be a part of the 3-point shooting fraternity if you simply shoot a lot of 3-pointers; you don't necessarily have to make a lot of them. In past competitions, we've had Cuttino Mobley, Quentin Richardson, Antoine Walker, Michael Jordan, Allen Iverson, and Bob Sura. This year, we have Gilbert Arenas and Richardson again. Shouldn't there be some sort of requirement for these participants, like a minimum 3-point shooting percentage of 40? You know, so this contest can actually have guys who are good at shooting 3's? Is that too much to ask?

(Yeah, I know, I don't really care that much about this either. I just don't have anything else to write about the 3-point contest. That's what happens when you watch the All-Star festivities by yourself. If I had five other guys here with me, we could make a $10 per person betting pool or something, and it would instantly become the most riveting piece of television since The Contender. I have a gambling problem.)

--The dunk contest was actually a lot better than I expected. It won't go down as one of the great ones, obviously, but it at least had two Dikembe Mutombo-esque jump-out-of-your-seat moments: Iguodala's off-the-back-of-the-backboard dunk and Nate Robinson's off-the-backboard into an East Bay Funk dunk. These could've gone done as all-timers had Iguodala and Robinson completed them successfully on their first attempts, thus but Iguodala took three or four tries and Robinson took 14 tries. Totally killed the vibe.

If you think about it, the surprise element is what makes the dunks in dunk contests special. One of the underrated aspects of Vince Carter's performance in the dunk contest was that he made all of his dunks on his first attempt, so it wasn't just the technical difficulty of his dunk that made it special, it was also the shock of seeing something new.

Not a bad All-Star Saturday, although I'm pretty sure I'm gonna delete it from my Tivo right now. Anyone know when Walter McCarty's album drops?