My Nine New Year’s Resolution That Will Fail In 2005
(Why only 9? Because I'm not ambitious enough to fail 10)

9) Create "Response" T-shirts for men who are sick of women who wear "Message" T-shirts.
Message T-Shirt: "My Body Too Bootylicious"
Response T-Shirt: "Your Body Too Waistalicious"

8) Begin a campaign to remake the movie with "Troy" with a more believable, i.e. hotter, Helen of Troy. Beyonce would be a solid replacement candidate. The movie's title, however, may need to be changed to "Tyrone."

7) Overuse the word "vicarious" so that it will no longer be considered a big vocabulary word..... wait, has that already happened?

6) When interacting with women, assume the quiet modesty of Usher. For example,
"It's kind of hot in here, girl. Would you mind if I took my shirt off?"
Or,
"Which of you ladies would like to come home with me tonight?"
Or,
"What up, Ma? Why don't you sit down here for a minute and watch me do about 50 jumping jacks?"

5) World peace.

4) Organize a boxing match between an aging American hero and a seemingly indestructible Iraqi prospect. Have the fight take place in Iraq on Christmas day. Make sure the fight ends with the speech, "If I can change, you can change. Everybody can change!"
Hey, it helped our relations with Russia in the 80's.

3) Unlock the mystery that is Avril Lavigne. I don't know what that means. I kind of just wanted to say Avril Lavigne.

2) Use the phrase "Aw, shucks," around people more often. That way, when others ask what kind of person I am, one can respond, "He's really sort of got that "aw shucks" quality about him."
This would be a big step for me to live out my dream of becoming a white quarterback in the NFL.

1) Wear silk shirts, just to see if I can get away with it.
Hey, let's give it another shot.