Spurred on by one of his patented drunken whims, Tony gave me a call this weekend with one of his patented brilliant ideas: He decided he was going to send me, through overnight delivery, a California burrito.

His words, not mine: "I'm gonna mail you a burrito."

Naturally, I was flummoxed. So I asked him what he'd just said.

He repeated, "I'm gonna mail you a burrito, man."

I don't know where he gets these ideas. It's like a gift or something. It's like he can't control it. In fact, in the storied history of most retarded but original lines ever uttered by a human, Tony is the man behind two of them:

"I've made a very important decision, Dan, one that could change my life, and possibly yours. I've decided to become a ninja."

and,

"Call me back as soon as you get home. It's really urgent. I need to know whether I should buy Backyard Wrestling 1 or 2."

After this weekend, he's the owner of three.

Him being him, of course, he stayed true to his word and really did go out of his way to mail me the burrito. Two of them, actually. Through UPS. Overnight delivery. Spent $50 to do it. Yes, FIFTY dollars. In the words of my friend Elvin, "That's pretty much the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life."

I asked him why he would do such a thing, even told him he should probably reconsider. After all, burritos are made to be eaten, not. . . . you know. . . . mailed. He persisted, though, and predictably, attempted to rationalize what he was about to do. "What do you mean? I'm mailing you a burrito. A burrito!"

"That's true," I thought.

Remember this, friends. The next time somebody tries to stop you from spending $50 to mail a burrito through overnight delivery -- and I know this will happen at least once in your life -- just reason with them: "You're not listening. I'm mailing you a burrito. A burrito!"

The package was on my desk when I came to work yesterday morning. When I unwrapped the burrito during my break, one of my co-workers asked me, "Where did you get that?"

I responded, "My friend mailed it to me."

He looked at me for a few seconds. Then he went back to his sandwich.