I'll Take 'Nobody Gives A Crap' for $500, Alex.....

I think before Mike Krzyzewski dies, he'll reveal to all of us that, no, his name is not pronounced, "Shuh-shef-ski," it's pronounced just the way it's spelled.

Mitch Hedberg on alcoholism: "Alcoholics are the only people who get yelled at for having a disease. 'Dammit, Joe. You're an alcoholic.' 'Dammit, Joe. You have lupis.' One of those two does not sound right."

Nine out of 10 women in this world think the bangs-above-the-eyebrows hairstyle is fashionable. Nine of 10 men in this world think it's the worst trend since the Halle-Berry short haircut.

I think this is just a woman's way of telling men, "Yeah, but you wear muscle shirts."

Proof #75,239 that there's an East Coast bias in sports: The New York Yankees' captain, Derek Jeter, is in the worst slump of his career this season -- and Sports Illustrated decided to put him on this week's cover because of it.

Hey, SI. John Flaherty has an opinion on outsourcing. Put him on the cover!

For all that Tupac did for West Coast hip hop, I'm disappointed that he didn't leave us with a "Hit 'Em Up"-style battle rhyme about the East Coast sports bias. That would've showed 'em.

Autochthonous. a-u-t-o-c-h-t-h-o-n-o-u-s. Autochthonous..... nah, an online spelling bee wouldn't work.

The most consistently entertaining event on TV is the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN. No, not because of the spellers, but because of the analysts.

"This is a very tense moment for Johnny. All the talent in the world, the question now is, can he handle the pressure. His coach, Terry Adams, looking on and.... wait, what's this? Is he going to..... yes! I think he's doing it! Johnny is asking the judge for the language of origin! What a moment!"

If you can do color commentary for a spelling bee, I'll tell you this: Walking on water should be next on your agenda.

I think horses like Wimbledon and Eddington look at Rock Hard Ten sometimes and think to themselves, "Yeah right."

(Sorry, I forgot horseracing jokes are almost as funny as viola jokes.)

Isiah Thomas in today's New York Post: "I admire and respect what [the Lakers] have done. But when I had to compete against the Lakers, I [bleeping] wanted to dominate them, and we did..."

I don't know why, but I started laughing really hard when I read this. I just can't imagine a guy with Isiah Thomas's voice using the F-word.