I haven't seen the movie "Troy" yet, but nearly everyone I know who has seen it has come out of the movie with the same question: THAT'S Helen of Troy?

Apparently the actress who played Helen isn't the hottest hottie who ever lived, and, after a thorough investigation of this matter on the internet, the entertainment section of newspapers, and Entertainment Tonight on VH1, I have been able to confirm that, indeed, the actress is only a 7 on a scale from 1 to 10 -- 10 being Jessica Alba, 1 being Macy Gray in pigtails.

Maybe your definition of a 10 differs from mine -- in fact, I'm sure it does -- but clearly this actress was asking for it when she took this role. Every guy who dished out $10 to see this movie was expecting a 10 -- no, they demanded a 10 -- and instead they ended up with a so-so 7. Imagine the disappointment. It's like when you watch Wild On and you expect to see Brooke Burke as the host, but instead you get Jules Asner.

Ugh.

Nobody's saying a 7 doesn't equal an attractive woman -- or, for that matter, that Jules Asner isn't attractive -- but let's be real here: According to Homer, Helen of Troy wasn't just any woman. She was THE woman of her day. She was the Everest of beautiful women. She was a Rolls Royce. She was to Greece what Kelly Kapowski was to Bayside. A 10. And the lucky actress chosen to play her was…

Diane Kruger.

Huh?

I said, Diane Kruger.

Oh. Is she hot?

Well...

Again, no one's saying Diane Kruger isn't a beautiful woman, or that a 7 is anything to complain about, but getting her to play the role of Helen is like getting Tobey Maguire to play Spider Man. I mean, come on. You're killing me over here.

If, in fact, Helen of Troy was the most beautiful woman in the world, getting a 10 for her role should've been priority #1 on the casting director's to-do list. It's hard enough to believe that a woman, even if she is a 10, could cause men to fight an all-out, dirty camouflage, rockets red glare war, much less a 10-year war, but if she's only a 7... well, I guess she'd better have one killer personality.

Really, no woman could ever be the cause of a war. Can a woman make you change your wardrobe? Sure. Can a woman make you ram your fist into another man's stomach? Yeah. Can a woman make you listen to REO Speedwagon? I guess. Can a woman make you go to war?

Give me a break. No woman is worth that. Not even Helen of Troy. I'm sure of it. In fact, I found a picture of her on the internet, and she ain't even all that.

http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/g_l/hd/abouthelen.htm

Ten-year war, my ass.

Like with most wars, the real tragedy here wasn't so much the war itself, nor the aftermath, but the fact that the cause should've been re-examined, and thus, prevented. I think a lot of lives could've been spared, a lot of grief prevented, if the men in this story merely understood the concept of other fish being in the sea.

And that 7's aren't worth fighting wars over, unless, of course, they're GAME 7s of the Western Conference Semifinals in the NBA.

Speaking of Greek mythology…

GREEK GOD OF WALKS WATCH
42 AB, 8 BB (last week: 12 AB, 0 BB)