My Nine New Year's Resolutions That Will Fail in 2005

9. Mass-produce "Response" T-Shirts for men who are sick of women who wear "Message" T-Shirts.
Ex) Message shirt: "My Body Too Bootylicious"
Response shirt: "Your Body Too Waistalicious."

8. Begin a campaign to remake the movie "Troy" with a more believable, i.e. hotter, Helen of Troy. Beyonce would be a solid replacement candidate. The movie's title, however, would need to be changed to "Tyrone."

7. Overuse the word "vicarious" so that it will no longer be considered a big vocabulary word..... wait, has that already happened?

6. When interacting with women, assume the quiet modesty of Usher. For example,
"What's up, girl? Would you mind if I took my shirt off?"
Or,
"Which of you ladies would like to come home with me tonight?"
Or,
"Hey Ma, why don't you sit here for a minute and watch me do about 40 jumping jacks?"

5. World peace.

4. Organize a boxing match between an aging American hero and a seemingly indestructible Iraqi prospect. Have the fight take place in Iraq on Christmas day. Make sure the fight ends with the speech, "If I can change, you can change. Everybody can change!"
Hey, it helped our relations with Russia in the 80's.

3. Unlock the mystery that is Avril Lavigne. I don't know what that means. I kind of just wanted to say Avril Lavigne.

2. Use the phrase "Aw, shucks," more often. That way, when people ask what kind of person I am, one can respond, "He's really got an 'aw shucks' quality about him."
This would be a big step for me to live out my dream of being a white quarterback from the Bible Belt.

1. Wear silk shirts, just to see if I can get away with it.
Hey, let's give it another shot.